The Blabbermouth
I was a loud kid in elementary school. Teachers always had to silence me or put me in the corner to do homework so I would not distract others. I don’t think I was a stupid kid. I think that the work was sometimes too easy for me so I was able to talk while doing it. I’m not justifying my misbehavior, I’m just giving a reason for why I was doing it. It does sometimes seem almost like a prison though, elementary school. Very strict on such little kids. But I digress, back to the story.
We had just gone on a field trip with the entire class. We were returning in these medium sized, magic school bus look-alike, white school buses. We had “gossiped” the whole time on the bus about my best friend. I do not remember who I conversed with or really anything that happened on the bus. I can only assume what happened because once we got off the bus I did something I never should have done. No it is not anything terrible or life changing for anyone, but it is something very embarrassing and worse of all, something I said about my best friend. I remember being a very talkative and rowdy kid in elementary school. Based on this moment I feel as though I did not really think much before speaking.
We had just gone on a field trip with the entire class. We were returning in these medium sized, magic school bus look-alike, white school buses. We had “gossiped” the whole time on the bus about my best friend. I do not remember who I conversed with or really anything that happened on the bus. I can only assume what happened because once we got off the bus I did something I never should have done. No it is not anything terrible or life changing for anyone, but it is something very embarrassing and worse of all, something I said about my best friend. I remember being a very talkative and rowdy kid in elementary school. Based on this moment I feel as though I did not really think much before speaking.
When we got off the bus we got into a line being led out by our P.E. teacher. As we are walking into the school building I am looking for my friend to ask him a “very important question.” Presumably this is what we had talked about on the bus. I finally spot him towards the front of the line and because I cannot move out of the line to talk to him I yell out “Is it true that you like ___.” I do not really remember everyone’s reactions. I only remember immediately feeling guilty and regretting having said what I said. The teacher brought me to the front of the line so I could apologize, which I would have done anyway, and told me to think before I speak. For everyone else who attended this very dramatic and unforgettable moment probably does not remember a thing. However, I, feeling extremely guilty, remember it happening and looking back on it, I think of how little I was really thinking at that moment. Obviously, being younger one cannot exactly take on the perspective of everyone in the situation and know how it will affect them but I still knew it’s something I should not be sharing and yet I did. I wish I could return to this moment and not say what I said because even though, in the grand scheme of things, it does not matter that much, in that moment and for years to come I have felt bad and regretted it wishing I could go back and hold my tongue.
I think your essay used the conversational tone well. Certain phrases like "We had 'gossiped'" or "As we are walking into the school building I am looking for my friend to ask him a 'very important question.'" seems very informal, and it helped your essay seem more casual. For some suggestions, I would say perhaps you could write about more moments in your life related to this event. It seemed like you focused on a moment that all occurred within an hour or so, and that didn't seem to allow you to properly reveal yourself slowly. In fact, it feels like most of your revealing happens in the very first paragraph. But, I still enjoyed reading your essay, especially since it was similar to one of my own experiences.
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job with the "relate through human traits" element of your essay. I think it is quite common for people to have regrets from their childhood or embarrassing memories that, as you say, other people probably do not remember. You also do a good job with "wandering in your thoughts" (like at the end of the first paragraph) and with presenting multiple viewpoints, like when you aknowledge that it didn't matter much in the grand scheme of things. One element that your essay lacks is a jumping-off point. There is no indication until the very end of the essay as to what question you are answering. Lastly, I think the fourth sentence comes across as a little arrogant which is not neccessarily bad, but it doesn't match how you come across in person.
ReplyDeleteThe conversational tone and the honesty in your essay kept me gripped until the end. I think you established your style well with how you worded your sentences, which definitely made you stand out. I liked how you admitted that what you did was wrong and gave the reader assurance that you're not a bad person and didn't ruin anyone's life. Your transitions also do a great job of shifting the story to a new point each time. In terms of suggestions, I think you could have reflected on the entire experience a bit more. You do do it at different points in the essay, but I think cutting the length of the anecdote a bit and instead adding one substantial paragraph where you present your alternative viewpoints, what you thought about the experience, where you are now, and how the memory affected you today would definitely help improve the structure of your essay. Other than that, good job.
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